Setting The Scene

It’s a tale as old as time. Your teenage first love, a lanky boy with too much gel in his hair (arguably any gel is too much), leads you into his bedroom. He switches the lights on, and you immediately are transported to the stark ambience of a Primark store. Your heart pounding as you look on at your dream boy, he approaches his CD player (yes, I’m technically old now). A moment later, the dulcet tones of Eminems ‘Kill You’ fill the room. You are wooed, and it won’t be until several years later you look back and think, “What the hell was he doing?!”

Now, I’ve nothing against Eminem’s groundbreaking 3rd record, The Marshal Mathers LP. On the contrary, it might be my favourite Eminem album of all time. Nor do I have anything against some good, strong lighting. Ideal for reading and makeup application, I’ve been partial to it over the years. But somewhere along the road of growing from a girl to a woman, these things became antithetical to scenes of romance. I grew a more refined taste, one which savoured pace and mood, and one which I was no longer hesitant to express. The girl Jessa made do. The woman Jessa made magic.

What I realised is that when on my own and feeling the most sensual, I would create a specific environment. Entirely by accident, and as though I was enacting an erotic ritual for myself. It felt special, it felt sexy. It almost always involved music, and lighting was also key. People say that oysters are an aphrodisiac, but I always found that the right song could send me into a sensual trance, almost triggering some sort of semi-dormant desire within me. Those who know me know that in my own environment, ambience is essential. Even on my own during evenings, I tend to play out some part of my ritual. Yet one of the best things, is sharing that ritual with someone else.

So, take this piece of writing as you wish. A sharing of my own personal erotic practices, or even as a guide for your own self love and love life. Here are some of my essentials for setting the tone - for starting as you mean to go on as such.

• Candles, candles, candles. Candles smell good, and also fire is sexy, in moderation. Also lamps. Smart bulbs that allow you to change both colour and intensity of light. My place is full of this stuff and I love it, because I can really adjust the mood lighting in my space to my exact needs on any given day.

• Music. I cannot stress enough the importance of sound. Even if this is just the quietest, most gentle background tones of a Cafe Del Mar or jazz playlist you enjoy. Music is incredibly personal and preferences as to how much of the atmosphere it dictates are something I cannot advise on. What I can do though, is give you two examples of the kind of playlist I rely on. One is a little softer, one a little darker. I have a hundred of these for every different mood or time in my life. These playlists span multiple genres and are arranged for a sense of flow in mood and pace, but I would probably include less variety during a date - personally. These two playlists are just broad recreations to give you a taste of the kind of music that gets me going. And when I say going, I mean music that gets me fucking going. Excuse the French.

• Sheets and scents. I’m quite picky about my soft furnishings. Again, personal taste, but there’s nothing more of a turn off than the sort of sheets your mum might have bought for you to take to university. You know the type - navy blue with red stripes, or some sort of superhero merchandise. Not only does this sort of bed dressing indicate an immaturity, it tends to feel awful on the skin. I love anything from linen to jersey to silk. The thing is, if your sheets are great quality, it will be felt. Fresh, clean sheets that smell of your favourite home scent of your own scent are even hotter. I personally love some of Diptyque’s fabric scents but I’ve also been known to just depend on my own perfume settling into my sheets after a good roll around in them. Delicious.

• Flirtation. Yes, flirting is part of the environment. We all show unto dates nervous (if you don’t, I’m jealous). That’s to be expected, but what really counts is that moment after the initial rush of adrenaline in which we sit down and get to really engage. Eye contact, a brush of a hand against a thigh. The gradual build up of these little gestures creates a tantalising environment. One far more mature and intriguing than being pounced on at the front door. It’s not all pick up lines and cheesiness. And if you feel nervous still, trust your woman when she makes those eyes at you, or when her foot rests gently on your leg. Trust me when I say that she knows exactly what she’s doing.

• Refreshments. A sure fire way to set the tone. People often assume I won’t offer any, or that I don’t invite any, as I’m an infrequent drinker. On the contrary, I find the ritual of preparing drinks sensual. Whether I enjoy a non alcoholic gin and tonic, or indulge in a sample of sake, the shared experience of enjoying a tipple together is one I enjoy greatly. A man who knows his stuff about wine or whiskey is incredibly sexy, and I love seeing him in his element while explaining to me just what he loves so much about his favourite drink. The slight lowering of inhibitions couples with the shared experience perfectly in my experience. Always check with your date what she likes to drink, and if she drinks alcohol, and then proceed accordingly. The gesture of bringing a bottle of her favourite whatever-it-is, is incredibly sweet and will not go unappreciated. Feeling thought of is sexy.

But, don’t let me tell you what to do. Why not some candles and Eminem? Come to think of it, that might be the next thing I try… it’s healthy to keep a mind open, after all...

Playlist #1 ’Sensuous’ (a lighter mood)

Playlist #2 ‘Seductive’ (a moodier mood)